You need to believe me when I say that all this time, Other Guy and I have never even kissed. Sure in my mind I've kissed him a thousand times and made love to him a hundred times more. But in real life, I'm sad to say that I have not. And I'm relieved to a certain extent as well. Relieved because I fear that if a kiss should ever happen, a Pandora's Box will open and I don't think I'd be prepared to deal with that.
When I did finally see Other Guy after our time apart, I wanted to kiss him so badly. En route to meet him, I imagined myself just planting one on him the second I laid eyes on him. But when we were face to face, I chickened out. He asked for a kiss and I said yes. When he leaned in for it, I got paralyzed and kept my mouth practically closed. His lips parted slightly as he was going one way, but I was not following. It wasn't awkward or weird. It was simply understood that that was not going to happen at this time.
Immediately after though, I wished I had the guts to ask Other Guy to do it over. I wanted to redo it so that my mouth could match his. But I didn't ask because even though I wanted to go there, I was afraid to go there. Ever since that attempt, I keep thinking about wanting to redo it. His lips were soft. Much fuller on the mouth than they appear on his face. I want to feel them again. Just one more time. Alas I haven't seen him since that day. We've spoken plenty, but not face to face. Probably a good thing in the long run.
The thing is, if I ever got a chance to redo the kiss - and it is inevitable that at some point, that day will arrive - I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to actually "kiss" kiss him. I'm chicken shit because as I said before, that kiss would be the first step down a slippery slope of getting physical with a man other than my husband. But there's another reason as well, one that I'm slightly embarrassed to admit: I have not kissed another man in over a decade and I am so scared that I can't kiss properly anymore! Not like that anyways. I mean, my husband and I don't even kiss that way anymore! What if I'm a horrible kisser? What if Other Guy thinks I'm a horrible kisser? Is kissing like riding a bicycle? What if I'm so rusty I won't remember?
Can make a confession? When I made love to my husband the first time since falling for Other Guy, I cried afterwards. My dear Husband fell asleep and there I was, bawling because I felt like I had just made love to the wrong guy. It is the first time I have ever felt such a feeling post-sex. Oh sure he's the right husband, the right father, the right so-many-things. But just not the right soul for my soul. I was filled with such a sadness after our lovemaking. It should have been Other Guy, I kept thinking through the tears.
This love that Other Guy and I feel for each other - it predates us. It was there before we were born. I know it because I feel it. Other Guy and I have something that I do not have with my Husband. I wish I had better insight into this, but all I have is a feeling that is guiding me. There is no concrete or tangible proof, otherwise.
Here's the thing. I don't want to trade one guy for another. It would just be bad karma to do so. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, all around. I'm not stupid to think you can just upgrade husbands. This is not trading in one model for a newer, shinier version. Because even the shinny version dulls eventually, I understand that. Plus, I like the model I have. It's consistent, reliable, good to me and loves me. Plus, since I've never put my own identity in another man, I can assure you that I'm not looking for a better husband, a better father, a better provider or a better anything. I have found all these things in my own Husband years ago. We have a heart to heart connection, Husband and I. It's deep. It's loving. But it's not a soul to soul connection. That belongs with Other Guy.
I did not ask the Universe to meet Other Guy. I did not give off an "I am available" vibe when Other Guy and I first met. I was just doing my everyday everything when this love crashed down on me like a meteor falling from the sky. I have tried to turn away from it. I have tried to ignore it. It just gets bigger when I do that.
I feel a need, a pull, a duty, a desire to keep exploring this thing with Other Guy because there is some reason for us to have been thrown together like this. If I feel if I abort this mission, so to speak, there will be emotional repercussions for me. But I know if I cheat on my husband, there will also be emotional repercussions. So I'm screwed either way.