Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Betrayal is in the eye of the beholder

Often, people who have close extramarital relationships feel perfectly justified as long as it isn’t sexual. Then there is no betrayal, no threat to the marriage. However, if their spouses think otherwise and feel hurt, threatened or emotionally abandoned, it becomes a marital problem. And as with any marital problem, partners need to protect each other’s feelings. This means that the emotionally involved partner should honor the feelings of his or her spouse whether he or she agrees with or understands it completely. Mutual caretaking is what loving relationships are all about. It’s essential to remember that betrayal is unquestionably in the eye of the beholder.

“I don’t know why you’re so uptight. He and I are just friends.” “We never discuss anything personal.” “There’s nothing wrong with my having friends of the opposite sex.” “No matter what you think, our relationship is not sexual, so quit talking to me about it. I don’t want to discuss it anymore.” “What am I supposed to do, stop interacting with him? I work with him.” “I can’t fire her. She hasn’t doesn’t anything wrong.” “Your suspicion is going to kill our relationship.”

Does any of this sound familiar? Does your spouse have a relationship with someone that makes you feel uncomfortable? He or she may flatly deny any inappropriate interactions. You can’t help but wonder whether the relationship is physical and your thoughts have been driving you crazy. You try to tell yourself that sex, touching or kissing isn’t part of what they do together, but your instincts say something else.

More often than not, you feel anxious, depressed and angry. You feel incredibly deceived. You have started doing things you never dreamed of — snooping, accessing private emails, phone records and credit card bills. You search your spouse’s computer or phone for any telltale signs that something is amiss.

Then it happens. You discover personal emails. Too personal. Or a series of late night calls. Maybe the person’s name appears on your spouse’s buddy list. And although some of the exchanges are work-related, there’s more than a tinge of familiarity. Your heart beats. You’re concerned.

You start questioning your spouse. She or he swears that nothing physical is going on and after much convincing, you want to believe it. Yet you can’t forget that there are the lunches, after-hour meetings and intimate conversations. You remember something you read about “emotional affairs” and you now feel certain that your spouse is right smack dab in the middle of one.

So you tell your spouse of your concern. You’re extremely unhappy about that relationship. You don’t like it one bit. “It might not be physical,” you tell your spouse, but you find it extremely threatening. You don’t want your spouse being intimate with another person in any way, shape or form. It hurts and you consider it betrayal.

Your spouse becomes defensive and insists that nothing inappropriate is going on. “I know my boundaries. I am not having an affair, so you’re wrong and I want you to stop nagging me about this. You’re overreacting.”

But are you?

In the three decades that I have been specializing in couples’ therapy, I have watched the destruction caused by emotional affairs. Even if two people are not engaged in a physical relationship, the emotional attachment can threaten the very foundation and fabric of the marriage. Here are a few reasons why:

Having close “friends” can be a slippery slope.
Here’s an example: A completely innocent meeting after work with co-workers may result in two people becoming excited about a mutual project. They end up spending a great deal of time together at work and the relationship becomes increasingly comfortable and familiar. Soon, they start having lunches together and when the work load increases, there are more demands on their time and efforts to complete the project. They stay later at work and go out to dinner.

Eventually, conversations shift from business to life outside work. Over time, these talks get more and more personal. Occasionally, people discover that they can talk about certain subjects with their co-worker that they cannot talk about with their spouses. An intimate bond begins to form.

Then, conversations become even more intimate. Frequently, they share their unhappiness with their own marriages. They commiserate and validate each others’ feelings and become confidantes. Their communication defines their relationship as special and separate from their respective marriages.

The relationship may get physical at this point. But even if it doesn’t, the real nature of the relationship is kept secret. Secrets place marriages at risk of divorce.

As you can see by this example, the relationship started out completely innocent. But the small daily choices they made led to a connection that wasn’t so innocent.

An emotional affair takes time and energy away from marriage.
There is just so much time in a day, and people have finite energy in their lives. If the focus in one’s life is the “other” person, time and energy are drained from the marriage. Plus, if a partner is getting emotional needs met outside the marriage, there is little need to connect at home. This leads to emotional distance and growing apart. Marriages are living things and they require attention.

Emotional affairs may be misconstrued.
Sometimes, one person is more emotionally involved in the relationship than the other. Perhaps he or she is hoping that the emotional relationship will flourish into something even more meaningful. That person might even be hoping that the other will eventually leave his or her marriage and become involved on a very deep level. This can happen without the other person’s awareness. Their intentions might be pure — to help out a person in distress, to be a loyal friend, or to simply have a fulfilling platonic, appropriate relationship. But one can never predict how the other person interprets interactions and exchanges. To avoid misunderstandings of any sort, it is essential to have boundaries in relationships outside marriage. This way, no one will be hurt or misled.

If your spouse is having an emotional affair, stop nagging, spying or haranguing. I wrote this post for you to give to your partner. It may or may not alter your spouse’s behavior, but it least it will be food for thought.

And if you are someone whose spouse is complaining about a relationship you may be having, taking your spouse’s feelings into account will make life much more pleasant for you and it just might save your marriage!

Friday, October 2, 2015

Tempted Wife

Actually had a period of close to 2 months without any contact. I have to say, during that time there was not a single day that I did not think about him. When he finally did call, out of the blue, I was overwhelmed with emotion that I just about fell to my knees. He was still feeling the same way as before. So was I. His feelings did not wear off nor did they fade away. Neither did mine. In fact, they somehow grew stronger.

You need to believe me when I say that all this time, Other Guy and I have never even kissed. Sure in my mind I've kissed him a thousand times and made love to him a hundred times more. But in real life, I'm sad to say that I have not. And I'm relieved to a certain extent as well. Relieved because I fear that if a kiss should ever happen, a Pandora's Box will open and I don't think I'd be prepared to deal with that.

When I did finally see Other Guy after our time apart, I wanted to kiss him so badly. En route to meet him, I imagined myself just planting one on him the second I laid eyes on him. But when we were face to face, I chickened out. He asked for a kiss and I said yes. When he leaned in for it, I got paralyzed and kept my mouth practically closed. His lips parted slightly as he was going one way, but I was not following. It wasn't awkward or weird. It was simply understood that that was not going to happen at this time.

Immediately after though, I wished I had the guts to ask Other Guy to do it over. I wanted to redo it so that my mouth could match his. But I didn't ask because even though I wanted to go there, I was afraid to go there. Ever since that attempt, I keep thinking about wanting to redo it. His lips were soft. Much fuller on the mouth than they appear on his face. I want to feel them again. Just one more time. Alas I haven't seen him since that day. We've spoken plenty, but not face to face. Probably a good thing in the long run.

The thing is, if I ever got a chance to redo the kiss - and it is inevitable that at some point, that day will arrive - I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to actually "kiss" kiss him. I'm chicken shit because as I said before, that kiss would be the first step down a slippery slope of getting physical with a man other than my husband. But there's another reason as well, one that I'm slightly embarrassed to admit: I have not kissed another man in over a decade and I am so scared that I can't kiss properly anymore! Not like that anyways. I mean, my husband and I don't even kiss that way anymore! What if I'm a horrible kisser? What if Other Guy thinks I'm a horrible kisser? Is kissing like riding a bicycle? What if I'm so rusty I won't remember?

Can make a confession? When I made love to my husband the first time since falling for Other Guy, I cried afterwards. My dear Husband fell asleep and there I was, bawling because I felt like I had just made love to the wrong guy. It is the first time I have ever felt such a feeling post-sex. Oh sure he's the right husband, the right father, the right so-many-things. But just not the right soul for my soul. I was filled with such a sadness after our lovemaking. It should have been Other Guy, I kept thinking through the tears.

This love that Other Guy and I feel for each other - it predates us. It was there before we were born. I know it because I feel it. Other Guy and I have something that I do not have with my Husband. I wish I had better insight into this, but all I have is a feeling that is guiding me. There is no concrete or tangible proof, otherwise.

Here's the thing. I don't want to trade one guy for another. It would just be bad karma to do so. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, all around. I'm not stupid to think you can just upgrade husbands. This is not trading in one model for a newer, shinier version. Because even the shinny version dulls eventually, I understand that. Plus, I like the model I have. It's consistent, reliable, good to me and loves me. Plus, since I've never put my own identity in another man, I can assure you that I'm not looking for a better husband, a better father, a better provider or a better anything. I have found all these things in my own Husband years ago. We have a heart to heart connection, Husband and I. It's deep. It's loving. But it's not a soul to soul connection. That belongs with Other Guy.

I did not ask the Universe to meet Other Guy. I did not give off an "I am available" vibe when Other Guy and I first met. I was just doing my everyday everything when this love crashed down on me like a meteor falling from the sky. I have tried to turn away from it. I have tried to ignore it. It just gets bigger when I do that.

I feel a need, a pull, a duty, a desire to keep exploring this thing with Other Guy because there is some reason for us to have been thrown together like this. If I feel if I abort this mission, so to speak, there will be emotional repercussions for me. But I know if I cheat on my husband, there will also be emotional repercussions. So I'm screwed either way.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Teacher's Wife

Ang galing mo talaga. You topped the exams once more. At this rate you will be graduating at the top of your class”, Professor Gino excitedly exclaimed shaking James Uy’s hands.

“Thanks po , Sir. Magaling ang teacher eh , mana lang ata ako sa iyo”, James gladly acknowledged.

James Uy was the school’s pride. 16 years old , about 5′9″ in height, well-built as an athlete, the basketball team’s starting point guard. A very attractive young man. What made him a rare breed from most athletes was his consistency to top his academics.

It wasn’t a surprise that girls in his school would go gaga over him .

Prof. Gino had been his mentor , his confidante – mathematics teacher and coach of the school’s basketball team.

Dahil sa closeness ng dalawa James Uy was like a member of Prof. Gino’s family. James would dine even sleep at Prof. Gino’s abode often.

Dito nya nakilala ang 15 -year- old daughter ni prof. Gino na si Sai .

Sai was from a different school , an attractive young woman in her own right. Maganda , matalino at hindi maarte as someone you would expect from an accomplished teener.

Natuwa naman si Prof. Gino , lalo na ng malaman niya na naging magsyota na si James at Sai.

Sylvia was Prof. Gino’s wife, already in her early forties, dati rin teacher , but after prof. gino’s prodding , na kumbinse na rin to be a full time housewife. sylvia was like an older version of sai , maganda , matangkad , at kapunapuna ang hubog ng kanyang katawan. MILF of everyone’s wet dreams ika nga.

Minsan after ng practice niyaya ni Prof. Gino si James na doon na magdinner sa bahay nila , tuwang tuwa naman si Sai. alam niya kasi na maluwag and daddy niya kay james , sobra kasi ang tiwala niya dito. may mga panahon na rin na sila lang dalawa ni James ang naiiwan sa bahay , at dahil parehong bata at mapusok , nagawa na rin nila ang magpetting , necking, touching – maliban lang sa aktwal na pagtatalik.

Dun nga nagdinner si James. after the usual table conversations , nagpasya na ang magasawang Prof. Gino at Sylvia na mauna na sa kwarto. Nasanay na rin kasi ang magasawa na iwanan ang nagiisa nilang anak sa sala everytime dadalaw si James.

Nakapangbahay lang si Sai sa panahon na iyon , isang maikling cotton skirt at manipis na sando , di na siya nagbra , alam niya rin kasi kung saan hahantong ang gabing yun..

Pinatay ni Sai ang ilaw sa sala at manonood sila ng DVD ni James. Isang old movie ni Antonio banderas at Angelina Jolie . Kasisimula pa lang ng palabas , naglaplapan na ang magsing-irog.

“Babe , sigurado ka ba na hindi na lalabas si Prof”, tanong ni James na ngayon ay simula ng nag-iinit.

“Wag mong alalahanin yun, di na lalabas yun , halika nga dito …umppphhh”, hinalikan ni Sai si James sa mga labi nito , sabay pasok ng kamay niya sa loob ng basketball shorts nito…shit ka babe , ang tigas na pala nito…” , inilabas niya ang nagpupumiglas na dambuhalang titi ni james na humigit kumulang anim na pulgada ang sukat. Napapigil hininga naman si James sa sarap na nadarama.

Hindi na bago sa magsyota ang eksinang ito , ilang buwan narin nilang ginagawa sa bawat isa ang ganitong bagay, kaya lang lalong naging mapusok ang dalawa sa isat isa habang paulitulit nilang ginagawa ang eksperimentong yun.

Unti unting binaba ni sai ang bibig niya patungo sa ulo ng titi ni James…panay naman ang lamas ni James sa hinog na hinog nang mga suso nito.

Tuloyan ng sinubo ni sai ang ari ni James,parang hihimatayin si James sa sarap sa bawat taas-baba ng bibig ni Sai sa tarugo niya.

“ahhhhh …. sarap mo talaga babe……sige pa … pagpatuloy mo lang…ahhhhh”

Ilang beses na rin nahawakan ni Sai ang batutua ni James, every time it surprised her. Parang palaki ng palaki , lalong humahaba sa paningin niya. Di nya rin maalis sa sarili niya ang isipin na ipasok ang titing yun sa pekpek James kasi kinukulit siya lagi , na gawin yun. siya lang ang nagpigil ,dahil sa takot niya sa mga parents niya na baka siya ay mabuntis at such a young age.

“sheetttttt! sai , andyan na sasabog na….ahhhhhhh…..” , ilang saglit pa at sumabog sa bibig ni sai ang malapot na semen ng kanyang minamahal.

Di nagsayang ng oras si James , pinaupo niya si sai sa sofa , at dali daling lumuhod sa harapan nito , binaba niya sabaysabay ang skirt at panty ni Sai. kahit medyo madilim na sa sala , kita pa rin niya ang manipis na balahibo ni sai at ang namumulang pek pek nito…pinagapang niya ang mga halik niya galing tuhod hanggang umabot ito sa makinis at mabibilog na hita nito..

“ahhhhhh….ahhhhh……babe….James…..”, biglang nanigas ang katawan ni Sai , habang palapit ng palapit ang mga halik ni James sa pussy niya ….

“Sai , ibuka mo ng kunti…” , at binuka nga ni Sai ang mga paa niya….sentrong sentro sa dila ni James ang malaperlas na kuntil ng kinse anyos na kasintahan.

“ahhhhh….James…….saraaappp niyan….”, ungol ni Sai.

Ilang minuto pa , at ilang beses na rin nag orgasm si sai , bawat isa , patindi ng patindi…

“babe , ahhhhhh….sheeet…….ahhhhh….ohhhhhhh…..di ko na kaya James…shit! andyan na naman ahhhhhhhhhhhhh” , gusto ng awatin ni sai si James , pero sarap na sarap din si James sa pagkain niya sa syota niya kaya , tinagalan niya ng husto ang paglaro at pagdila sa pekpek nito..

Ilang minuto pa bago natapos si James. nagyakapan ang magkasintahan.

Nagpaalam si Sai sandali at pupunta lang ng CR para umihi at maghalf bath, si James naman naiwan sa sofa , hawak ang titgas na tigas pa rin na ari nito , libog na libog pa rin … isang ideya ang pumasok sa kukuti niya….susundan niya si Sai sa banyo…

Bungalow ang bahay nila Prof. Gino , typical sa mga subdivisions , at bago makarating si James sa banyo , madadaanan niya ang kwarto nina Prof. Gino at Sylvia.

At di sa sinasadyang pangyayari , napansin niya na medyo bukas ang pintuan nito…parang may kung anong ispiritu na humihila sa kanya na silipin ang kwarto ng magasawa.

“Shit!” , nabigla siya sa nakita niya…si Sylvia naka panty lang at sando , habang ang isang kamay nito ay nilalaro ang pekpek nya through her panty….nakatalikod si Prof. Gino kay Sylvia at malalim ang tulog…lampshade lang ang ilaw sa kwarto pero kitang kita pa rin niya .

Nakiramdam si James sa paligid , naririnig niya sa banyo na naliligo si Sai … unti unti niyang dinukot ang tigas niyang titi sa shorts niya, at mabilis nya itong sinalsal habang pinapanood niya nanay ng syota niya … at dahil medyo bitin siya sa angle niya sa may pintuan, kaya binuksan nya pa lalo . Narinig niya na lumikha ng ingay ang ginawa niyang yun, at bago pa siya makareact, nagkasalubong ang mga mata niya at ang mga mata ni sylvia…kitang kita ni sylvia ang hawak niyang titi na nakagapos pa sa kamay niya…nanglaki rin ang mga mata ni Sylvia, dahil first time nya makakita ng ganun kalaking titi…

Di makakibo si James , gusto niyang umalis sa kinaroroonan niya sa mga oras na yun , pero di nya magawa…tumayo naman si Sylvia at dahan dahan lumapit sa kanya…lalong nanigas si James…

“James….saan si Sai?”, tanong ni Sylvia kay James.

“Ha? ah…eh….naliligo po sa banyo…”, mahina niyang sagot.

“May panahon pa tayo, may katagalan maligo ang batang yan ”, lumabas si Sylvia sa kwarto at sinara ang pinto.

“James , halikan mo ako “, demand ni Sylvia sa syota ng anak nya , sabay dukot sa titi nito.

Di makapaniwala si James sa mga nangyayari , hinalikan nya ng todo ang nanay ng gf niya…habang ang mga kamay niya ay abala sa paglamas sa malalaking suso nito.

“We don’t have all the time iho , ibaba mo na itong shorts mo….”

Binaba ni James hanggang tuhod ang shorts niya , habang hinubad ni Sylvia ang panty niya..

Isinandal ni james si Sylvia mismo sa pintuan ng bedroom nito …

Itinaas ni James ang isang paa ni Sylvia, at dahan dahan naman pinasok ng titi niya ang puke nito.

“James , ang laki nito ….pasok mo na …..ahhhhhhh” , parang gustong sumigaw ni Sylvia sa kirot at sarap na dulot ng malaking titi ni James….na shocked din sya sa sarili , di nya malaman kung bat siya nagkaroon ng tapang na lapitan si James , at gawin ito..

“ohhhhhhh……ahhhhhhhh……….ahhhhhhhhh …….ang lakiiiii…….James , sheettt…..ahhhhhhh”

Naipasok ni james ng buo ang titi niya sa pekpek ng nanay ng kanyang girlfriend. parang maulol siya sa sarap ….

“Tita , ang sarap moooohhh….ahhhhhh……ummpppphhh ….”, tuloy ang halikan nila, habang labas masok ang titi kay sylvia…”

Ilang saglit pa, narining ni James na pinatay na ni sai ang tubig sa banyo, tanda na tapos na ito sa pagpaligo..

“James , bilisan mooohhh….andyan na akoooo ahhhhhhh……iho sige pa…..ahhhhhhhhhh ……ahhhhh…..jame….ahhhhhh……ohhhhhhhh ….im coming…sheeeet ito na… aahhhhhhh….”

Sabay pareho silang nilabasan , nanginginig pa ang tuhod ni James , pagkatapos….

Nginitian ni Sylvia si James, “Sa susunod gusto kong madilaan yan” sabay pasok ng panty nito sa shorts ng binata , ”remembrance mo yan, sa uulitin”. At pumasok na siya sa kwarto….

Monday, November 25, 2013

What if I killed or injured my spouse when I caught him/her in the act of committing sexual intercourse with another person?

The law provides that “any legally married person who, having surprised his spouse in the act of committing sexual intercourse with another person, shall kill any of them or both of them in the act or immediately thereafter, or shall inflict upon them any serious physical injury, shall suffer the penalty of destierro” (RPC, Article 247). The accused spouse, which could be the husband or the wife, must prove the following:

A legally married person (or a parent) surprises his spouse (or his daughter, under 18 years of age and living with him), in the act of committing sexual intercourse with another person.
He or she kills any or both of them or inflicts upon any or both of them any serious physical injury in the act or immediately thereafter.
He has not promoted or facilitated the prostitution of his wife (or daughter) or that he or she has not consented to the infidelity of the other spouse.
The accused must proved that he/she actually surprised the other spouse in flagrante delicto (or in the act of doing the deed), and that he/she killed the other spouse and/or the other party during or immediately thereafter.

Sources: Revised Penal Code; People vs. Nepomuceno, G.R. No. L-40624, 27 June 1975; Pilapil vs. Ibay-Somera, G.R. No. 80116, 30 June 1989; Ligtas vs. CA, G.R. No. L-47498, 7 May 1987; People vs. Puedan, G.R. No. 139576, 2 September 2002; People vs. Bastasa, G.R. No. L-32792, 2 February 1979

What is destierro?

Destierro means banishment or only a prohibition from residing within the radius of 25 kilometers from the actual residence of the accused for a specified length of time. It is not imprisonment.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

What is bigamy?

Bigamy is basically the act of marrying again while the first marriage is still subsisting. It is defined under Article 349 of the RPC as the contracting of a second or subsequent marriage before the former marriage has been legally dissolved, or before the absent spouse has been declared presumptively dead by means of a judgment rendered in the proper proceeding.

In a case for bigamy, all the following matters or “elements” must be shown by the prosecution:

1. The offender has been legally married.
2. The marriage has not been legally dissolved or, in case his or her spouse is absent, the absent spouse could not yet be presumed dead according to the Civil Code.
3. He/she contracts a second or subsequent marriage.
4. The second or subsequent marriage has all the essential requisites for validity.

A pending petition for annulment or a declaration of nullity of marriage does not have any effect on a criminal case for bigamy. Refer to our previous discussion on this.

How is bigamy different from adultery/concubinage?

In adultery/concubinage, the law requires that both culprits, if both are alive, should he prosecuted or included in the information. In bigamy, the second spouse could be charged only if she/he had knowledge of the previous undissolved marriage of the accused. Bigamy is a public offense and a crime against status, while adultery and concubinage are private offenses and are crimes against chastity. In adultery/concubinage, pardon by the offended party will bar the prosecution of the case, which is not so in bigamy.

What is concubinage?

Friday, November 22, 2013

What is adultery?

Adultery means the carnal relation between a married woman and a man who is not her husband, the latter knowing her to be married, even if the marriage be subsequently declared void. Each sexual intercourse constitutes a crime of adultery. Concubinage is defined and penalized under Article 334 of the Revised Penal Code, which reads:

Art. 333. Who are guilty of adultery. — Adultery is committed by any married woman who shall have sexual intercourse with a man not her husband and by the man who has carnal knowledge of her knowing her to be married, even if the marriage be subsequently declared void.

Adultery shall be punished by prision correccional in its medium and maximum periods.

If the person guilty of adultery committed this offense while being abandoned without justification by the offended spouse, the penalty next lower in degree than that provided in the next preceding paragraph shall be imposed.

What is concubinage?

Monday, November 18, 2013

What is concubinage?

Concubinage is committed by any husband who shall keep a mistress in the conjugal dwelling, or, shall have sexual intercourse, under scandalous circumstances, with a woman who is not his wife, or shall cohabit with her in any other place. Concubinage is defined and penalized under Article 334 of the Revised Penal Code, which reads:

"Art. 334. Concubinage. — Any husband who shall keep a mistress in the conjugal dwelling, or shall have sexual intercourse, under scandalous circumstances, with a woman who is not his wife, or shall cohabit with her in any other place, shall be punished by prision correccional in its minimum and medium periods.

The concubine shall suffer the penalty of destierro."

The Revised Penal Code penalizes adultery, committed by a married woman, and concubinage, committed by a married man. Other than the elements of the offense and the applicable penalties, both adultery and concubinage are covered by basically the same set of rules and, therefore, would be discussed together.

What are the differences between adultery and concubinage?

Adultery is committed by a wife (who must also be charged together with the other man), while concubinage is committed by a husband (who must be charged together with the concubine).

Proof of sexual intercourse is enough in adultery, but in concubinage, the prosecution must prove that the sexual intercourse must be under scandalous circumstances, or that the husband kept a mistress in the conjugal dwelling or cohabited with her in any other place.

The penalty for concubinage is lower than that of adultery. The penalty for the concubine is only destierro, while the penalty for the man other in adultery is the same as that of the guilty wife.

What is destierro?

Destierro means banishment or only a prohibition from residing within the radius of 25 kilometers from the actual residence of the accused for a specified length of time. It is not imprisonment.

What is concubinage?